Softening the Inner Critic (Part 2)
In the last blog, we explored where our inner critic comes from — how it can be shaped by the voices and experiences of our early life, and by the rules or “life scripts” we’ve internalised along the way.
These scripts — such as “Be perfect,” “Don’t feel,” “Work hard,” “Don’t be you” — may once have helped us to feel safe, accepted or in control. But as time goes on, they can keep us living from a lack of self-acceptance, authenticity and attunement to our true selves and our needs.
Understanding What the Critic Is Trying to Do
The inner critic might drive perfectionism, guilt or self-doubt. Its tone can feel painful and/or make us feel uncomfortable. It might leave us feeling frustrated with ourselves. It is important to be aware though that the critic is often trying, in its own way, to help us. It believes that by being tough or demanding, it is protecting us from failure, disappointment or disapproval. When we begin to recognise that the critic is doing its best to protect us, we can start to meet it with curiosity and patience rather than resistance.
Loosening Old Rules
We might find it helpful to reflect on these rules we live by and assess whether they are still helpful or necessary. For example, we might begin to gently question them by asking:
“Do I need to be perfect to be accepted?”
“Is it really true that I must always be strong?”
“What might it be like to slow down instead of always hurrying?”
“What would it mean to be more fully myself, even if that feels vulnerable?”
“How does this rule prevent me from experiencing fun and pleasure?”
“How does this rule negatively impact my relationships and/or life?”
Inviting a Kinder Voice
We may find it helpful to work directly with the critical part. Having a new understanding for the origins of the inner critic, we can begin to listen to, validate and comfort the critical and vulnerable parts of us. We can also begin to nurture another voice within us — one that is gentle, understanding and compassionate.
Here, it can help to:
Take a moment to pause when the critic speaks
Breathe, and observe from a place of curiosity, openness and calm
Listen to, reassure and comfort this part, bearing in mind the vulnerable part of us that it is protecting
Speak to yourself kindly and with care, as you would to a close friend in the same situation
Closing Thoughts
We can choose and develop a different relationship with our inner critic. We do not need to silence or fight against it - this often does more harm than good. Instead, we can begin to understand it, and offer warmth and compassion to these vulnerable parts of us. This can begin to take the edge off of our self-criticism and overtime bring a little more inner peace and calm.
If you are interested in knowing more or being supported in softening your inner critic, please feel free to reach out to me.
