What is Self-Soothing?
How do you respond to yourself in moments of discomfort, distress or crisis? When you feel overwhelmed by emotion or life events? Do you give space to those emotions, push them down, distract yourself, tell yourself to toughen up?
Soothing is not about getting rid of difficult feelings, fixing ourselves or resolving emotions as quickly as possible. It is about how we relate to ourselves when we are struggling. There are a few elements to self-soothing, which we have lightly explored in other blog posts. These elements are: calming the body, becoming present and compassionate self-talk.
Soothing the Nervous System
At a physiological level, soothing involves helping the nervous system settle. When we feel stressed, anxious or emotionally activated, the body moves into a state of alert — muscles tense, the breath becomes shallow and our thoughts quicken.
Practices such as slow, intentional breathing, grounding through the senses or gently bringing awareness into the body can help signal safety. They invite the nervous system to calm, allowing the body and mind to settle into a more regulated state. If helpful, you may wish to revisit my previous blog posts on Grounding (Part 1 and Part 2) for more on calming the body.
This is not about forcing relaxation but about creating the conditions in which calm can naturally emerge, allowing us to become more present with ourselves.
Soothing as Presence, Not Elimination
Emotional soothing is sometimes misunderstood as “making the feeling go away.” In reality, it is almost the opposite. Soothing is about being with what is here — meeting ourselves with presence and kindness, rather than resistance or judgment.
This might mean noticing an anxious flutter in the chest and staying close to it with the breath. It might mean acknowledging sadness without trying to distract from it. Or offering ourselves gentle, compassionate words rather than criticism or pressure.
When we stop fighting our internal experience, something often shifts. The feeling may still be there, but it is now being held, rather than faced alone.
The Role of Compassionate Self-Talk
How we speak to ourselves matters deeply. In moments of distress, the inner critic often becomes louder — telling us we should feel differently, cope better or be stronger.
Soothing involves offering an alternative voice: one that is understanding, patient and attuned. This might sound like, “This is hard right now,” or “It makes sense that I feel this way.” These are not empty affirmations, but acknowledgements of our lived experience.
Compassionate self-talk can help us feel accompanied rather than judged — and that, in itself, can be regulating and soothing.
You might try being with yourself as you would with a loved one or a child — someone you are caring for — offering similar warmth, patience and kind words. This can involve gently shifting perspective, almost observing yourself as if you were another.
Where Self-Care Fits In
Self-care is still important. Rest, nourishment, movement, warmth and pleasure all support emotional wellbeing. Lighting a candle, taking a bath, going for a walk, or making a cup of tea can offer comfort and relief.
However, self-care alone is not always soothing. These activities can support us, but they cannot replace the deeper work of staying emotionally present with ourselves. A bath may relax the body, but it doesn’t necessarily help us meet a painful feeling with kindness.
Soothing and self-care work best together. Self-care creates a supportive environment; soothing is the relational experience we have with ourselves.
Closing Thoughts
For many of us, being emotionally present with ourselves doesn’t come easily. We may have learned to push feelings away, distract from them or manage them alone. Learning to soothe ourselves can feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable or even impossible at times.
This is not a failure — it is a reflection of our histories and what we learned about emotions, safety and support.
Soothing is not something we master quickly. It is a practice that develops slowly, through patience, repetition and gentleness. Over time, it can help us feel more grounded, more connected to ourselves and more able to move through emotional experiences with care.
In the next blog, I’ll explore how our early experiences shape our ability to feel comforted — both by others and by ourselves.
